Bedtime Books I Wish I Could Read to My Kids

When my kids are at their worst, it’s hard to take the high road. But I do my job, doling out punishments like a lunch lady serving stale bread. Sometimes doing the right thing doesn’t seem to get the point across. A teensy part of me would like to say what I’m really thinking, like “I told you so” or “Duh.” Sometimes I just want to tell my kids how their silly fears are driving me nuts, to just put some stupid clothes on already—any clothes—to end the tears, or that I’m going to throw all of their toys away if they can’t clean them up. Would I be a bad mother if I told my kids that burping at the table causes warts on their tongue? Wouldn’t that put an end to naughty behavior, make my kids finally listen? What if I read them books about it instead?

Bedtime books I wish I could read to my kids:

• A boy who always pulls the shower curtain back before he’ll use the bathroom one day really does find a bad guy hiding there.

• The girl who throws a fit over what to wear is sentenced to a month of wearing her brother’s stinky socks and underwear that he has worn for an entire week. Pee-ew!

• The child who never sleeps is given chores to do all night while the rest of his family snoozes soundly in their beds. Even when he finally tries to lie down, he finds he can no longer sleep. His hands turn to sponges and his feet into mops.

• The kid who picks his nose all the time gets his finger stuck in his nostril. His mom has to sew special clothes for him. He can’t play baseball. And he always fears he will get his other finger stuck. Yes, little Timmy cannot learn his lesson.

• The girl who throws fits suddenly starts talking in that high-pitched squeal all the time and can no longer walk but only stomp and thrash her fists. The only thing that will cure it is a thick, bubbling, stinking concoction of frog’s guts and squid tentacles taken in huge gulps.

• Kids who don’t clean their rooms wake up tied down and taken hostage by their own toys. Barbies build Lego racks to torture their owners. Minifigure armies pull and twist hair. Robots shoot Nerf darts at the kids’ noses. Dolls scribble on walls and the kids will be blamed.

• Kids who talk back to their parents are rewarded with pet birds that never shut up and whisper creepy things that no one else can hear, like, “Don’t go to sleep, Mildred.”

Think it will work?

robot

Get ready, kids. The toys take over when left out too long.

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66 Comments

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66 responses to “Bedtime Books I Wish I Could Read to My Kids

  1. Hahahahaha sadly I think it would be far more effective – but alas not socially or morally acceptable. Great read this morning – thank you for posting.

  2. You could put them all together in a collection like “The Stinky Cheeseman” book.

  3. MJ

    Just get a clear or gauzy shower curtain. That’s what I do. For myself. 🙂 You just never know. One of these days, there may actually be something lurking.

    • When I was a kid, I had the same fear so I can totally relate. But I just peeked behind the curtain. One of my kids, I won’t say who, yanks it back every single time they use the bathroom. I always say, “What will you do if one day you pull the curtain back and someone is standing there?” I’m so tempted to hide in there and scare the crap out of my kid. But that would be mean.

      • MJ

        Yeah, but one peek isn’t enough. What if they materialize as soon as you close the curtain?

        lol My mom actually did that to me and my best friend (the other half of my blog) when we were kids. We were afraid to go down the hallway with the lights off. One night she hid in one of the bedrooms in the hallway and when we were slowly inching our way to my room, she jumped out at us.

        I’m still unnerved by dark hallways. 🙂

      • That’s why I won’t do it. I don’t want to cause my child therapy in adulthood! At least over shower curtains. 😉 Funny story.

    • Something lurking – outside the bathroom door, like my brother, who threatens to spy on me in the shower. 😄

  4. Have you ever read Mrs Piggle Wiggle books? I read them when I was little – they are essentially what you describe. Mrs Piggle Wiggle is magical and comes up with “cures” for children who won’t clean their room or won’t stop complaining or take a bath (that girl becomes caked with dirt and radishes start growing on her). They are definitely of another time. Maybe you can bring them back updated for this generation!

    • Yes! They were part of the inspiration for this post. My son loved those books. Actually I loved that even in the 60s kids whined and didn’t listen. It’s not just a new thing. 😉

  5. This is fanstastic! You should definitely write a series of children’s books. Parents will LOVE you!!

  6. I’m pretty sure Pixar is making one of your ideas into Toy Story 4. 🙂

  7. Seriously, you could absolutely write these! Great laughs this morning, thank you!

  8. I agree with everyone else–write the books! It would make a great series and it would save millions of motherhood headaches around the globe.

  9. This made me laugh out loud. My 13 year old loved it too, though honestly there are a few stories in there she should know…

  10. K. Eley

    I could relate to so many of those! My daughter puts her dolls in her closet and shuts the door before she goes to bed. She also pulls the shower curtain back when she goes into the bathroom. Maybe I’ll put the dolls in the tub so they’ll be waiting for her when she pulls back the shower curtain. That would freak her out. Of course, I would never do it.

    • Oh, I forgot all about the closet. There should definitely be a book about that. That’s funny about the dolls. Of course, there have been plenty of movies about freaky dolls. Maybe she has heard something. 😉

      • One time, I stuck a pocketknife in my doll’s hand with a rubberband then I tied it onto some wire like a puppet. It slowly “staggered” into his room, and he’s been terrified of it ever since. Muahahaha…

  11. lisa

    How about not wearing jeans because they’re not soft. My youngest is going to spend her life in sweatpants and leggings which will be fine until she hits thirty and everything starts to sag. Then she’ll fit it with the rest of the Walmart shoppers.

  12. I don’t know if these would work, but it would be fun testing them out! I’m game! These ideas remind me of Mrs. Pigglewiggle – she’s a hoot! And so are you! Fun post!

  13. i remember when i was younger; i’m the eldest so i often take care of my siblings. and when they reached the phase of repeating everything you say just to annoy you, i told them a bedtime story about the monster “Jenga-Jenga” who takes kids who like repeating what people say. Man, did that work well! i’m tempted to employ the same tactic to my kids too but i wouldn’t dare! 😀

  14. I think you should totally write this series! The nose-picking one is my favorite. Although the hostage-taker toys is a close second.

  15. I think you should write it!!!!

  16. haha!! so funny! this is a side of you, i’m amused to see. the bird whispering, don’t go to sleep… hahaha. i’d listen!!

  17. Yes! You need to write these books, for sure!
    Can I illustrate?

  18. This is a recipe for a best-selling series — for parents!

  19. You. Are. Brilliant. My favorite is about the boy who won’t go to sleep and has to do chores all night. I will definitely buy that one for my kid! Momaste to you!

  20. Fabulous!!! Write them and I will read them to all kids who visit my house Lol… A lot of kids visit my house 😉

  21. Just awesome! I love the one about the kid getting his finger stuck in his nose and the one where the toys take their owner hostage. I never managed to train my middle boy to clean up. He’ll do it when he’s told now but never until then. Now that he’s a teenager, it’s not toys that litter his room. He has a hamper and a trash can which are generally empty at the end of the week because the stuff that’s supposed to be in them is spread all over the floor along with pencils and guitar picks. (He has several hundred of both but can never find one when he needs it. Go figure.) And if I don’t check every day, the topside of every piece of furniture will be crowded with dirty dishes. The other day, I blew a gasket at him because he left a bowl of old cereal milk sitting on top of his laptop. Love the book ideas!

  22. Please, please write these books. Please!

  23. You write them, I will buy them! I’m always looking for books to help teach, I mean guide 😛 my 3 year old to making good choices!

  24. Pingback: A Bedtime Story for the Ill-Behaved: Mad Toys | Mom in the Muddle

  25. I got my little sister to look under my bed before I went to bed for YEARS. 🙂

  26. Haha! Loved this. Yes, I especially agree with the stomping fit thrower and toys taking over.

  27. Pingback: My Kids Caught Me Blogging | Mom in the Muddle

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