When my kids are at their worst, it’s hard to take the high road. But I do my job, doling out punishments like a lunch lady serving stale bread. Sometimes doing the right thing doesn’t seem to get the point across. A teensy part of me would like to say what I’m really thinking, like “I told you so” or “Duh.” Sometimes I just want to tell my kids how their silly fears are driving me nuts, to just put some stupid clothes on already—any clothes—to end the tears, or that I’m going to throw all of their toys away if they can’t clean them up. Would I be a bad mother if I told my kids that burping at the table causes warts on their tongue? Wouldn’t that put an end to naughty behavior, make my kids finally listen? What if I read them books about it instead?
Bedtime books I wish I could read to my kids:
• A boy who always pulls the shower curtain back before he’ll use the bathroom one day really does find a bad guy hiding there.
• The girl who throws a fit over what to wear is sentenced to a month of wearing her brother’s stinky socks and underwear that he has worn for an entire week. Pee-ew!
• The child who never sleeps is given chores to do all night while the rest of his family snoozes soundly in their beds. Even when he finally tries to lie down, he finds he can no longer sleep. His hands turn to sponges and his feet into mops.
• The kid who picks his nose all the time gets his finger stuck in his nostril. His mom has to sew special clothes for him. He can’t play baseball. And he always fears he will get his other finger stuck. Yes, little Timmy cannot learn his lesson.
• The girl who throws fits suddenly starts talking in that high-pitched squeal all the time and can no longer walk but only stomp and thrash her fists. The only thing that will cure it is a thick, bubbling, stinking concoction of frog’s guts and squid tentacles taken in huge gulps.
• Kids who don’t clean their rooms wake up tied down and taken hostage by their own toys. Barbies build Lego racks to torture their owners. Minifigure armies pull and twist hair. Robots shoot Nerf darts at the kids’ noses. Dolls scribble on walls and the kids will be blamed.
• Kids who talk back to their parents are rewarded with pet birds that never shut up and whisper creepy things that no one else can hear, like, “Don’t go to sleep, Mildred.”
Think it will work?
66 responses to “Bedtime Books I Wish I Could Read to My Kids”
Hahahahaha sadly I think it would be far more effective – but alas not socially or morally acceptable. Great read this morning – thank you for posting.
Yeah, I know. Sometimes you want to say it but you don’t!
You could put them all together in a collection like “The Stinky Cheeseman” book.
Oh, good idea. I remember reading that one to my son. How could you not love that title? I could call this one “The Man Behind Your Shower Curtain.”
Just get a clear or gauzy shower curtain. That’s what I do. For myself. 🙂 You just never know. One of these days, there may actually be something lurking.
When I was a kid, I had the same fear so I can totally relate. But I just peeked behind the curtain. One of my kids, I won’t say who, yanks it back every single time they use the bathroom. I always say, “What will you do if one day you pull the curtain back and someone is standing there?” I’m so tempted to hide in there and scare the crap out of my kid. But that would be mean.
Yeah, but one peek isn’t enough. What if they materialize as soon as you close the curtain?
lol My mom actually did that to me and my best friend (the other half of my blog) when we were kids. We were afraid to go down the hallway with the lights off. One night she hid in one of the bedrooms in the hallway and when we were slowly inching our way to my room, she jumped out at us.
I’m still unnerved by dark hallways. 🙂
That’s why I won’t do it. I don’t want to cause my child therapy in adulthood! At least over shower curtains. 😉 Funny story.
Something lurking – outside the bathroom door, like my brother, who threatens to spy on me in the shower. XD
Have you ever read Mrs Piggle Wiggle books? I read them when I was little – they are essentially what you describe. Mrs Piggle Wiggle is magical and comes up with “cures” for children who won’t clean their room or won’t stop complaining or take a bath (that girl becomes caked with dirt and radishes start growing on her). They are definitely of another time. Maybe you can bring them back updated for this generation!
Yes! They were part of the inspiration for this post. My son loved those books. Actually I loved that even in the 60s kids whined and didn’t listen. It’s not just a new thing. 😉
This is fanstastic! You should definitely write a series of children’s books. Parents will LOVE you!!
And kids will fear me.
I’m pretty sure Pixar is making one of your ideas into Toy Story 4. 🙂
That would be my luck. They’d make millions. I’m scrubbing toilets.
I hate when people take credit for my stuff. I feel you. Oh, and by the way…My brother is the one scrubbing toilets.
Seriously, you could absolutely write these! Great laughs this morning, thank you!
Thanks. I’m glad I can make someone laugh. My kids just roll their eyes at me these days. I thought I’d lost my touch.
make this into a novel – or write a book “things you wish you could tell your kids” like “I lied. The cookies aren’t all gone. I’m going to eat them tonight when you’re asleep. And they’re going to be de-lic-ioussssss….” Some mom actually said this to her four-year-old.
This is so funny – you haven’t lost ANY touch!
I agree with everyone else–write the books! It would make a great series and it would save millions of motherhood headaches around the globe.
Ha! I’m sure some parenting groups wouldn’t like them! But there are a few stories in particular that I wouldn’t mind fleshing out and seeing how my kids react.
This made me laugh out loud. My 13 year old loved it too, though honestly there are a few stories in there she should know…
Your comment made me laugh out loud. 😉
I could relate to so many of those! My daughter puts her dolls in her closet and shuts the door before she goes to bed. She also pulls the shower curtain back when she goes into the bathroom. Maybe I’ll put the dolls in the tub so they’ll be waiting for her when she pulls back the shower curtain. That would freak her out. Of course, I would never do it.
Oh, I forgot all about the closet. There should definitely be a book about that. That’s funny about the dolls. Of course, there have been plenty of movies about freaky dolls. Maybe she has heard something. 😉
One time, I stuck a pocketknife in my doll’s hand with a rubberband then I tied it onto some wire like a puppet. It slowly “staggered” into his room, and he’s been terrified of it ever since. Muahahaha…
How about not wearing jeans because they’re not soft. My youngest is going to spend her life in sweatpants and leggings which will be fine until she hits thirty and everything starts to sag. Then she’ll fit it with the rest of the Walmart shoppers.
Yep. My daughter went through that phase too. She’s getting better. At least she likes dresses! And thank goodness for “jeggings”!
I don’t know if these would work, but it would be fun testing them out! I’m game! These ideas remind me of Mrs. Pigglewiggle – she’s a hoot! And so are you! Fun post!
Yes, Mrs. Piggle Wiggle was a bit of the inspiration for this post. Love those books! I guess I’m a bit meaner than her though. 😉
But you’re funnier.
i remember when i was younger; i’m the eldest so i often take care of my siblings. and when they reached the phase of repeating everything you say just to annoy you, i told them a bedtime story about the monster “Jenga-Jenga” who takes kids who like repeating what people say. Man, did that work well! i’m tempted to employ the same tactic to my kids too but i wouldn’t dare! 😀
That is definitely another annoying habit and worthy of a bedtime story. I like it!
I think you should totally write this series! The nose-picking one is my favorite. Although the hostage-taker toys is a close second.
Haven’t we all wished for some cure for nose picking?
I think you should write it!!!!
haha!! so funny! this is a side of you, i’m amused to see. the bird whispering, don’t go to sleep… hahaha. i’d listen!!
Thanks. I was hesitant to post it, but yes, it’s definitely a true side of me. These are the kinds of things my husband and I joke about at night after a rough day.
Brilliant. Thank you. 🙂
How about something about when kids beg for/steal candy? Gosh, I hate it when my brother does that.
Yes! You need to write these books, for sure!
Can I illustrate?
If illustrating creepy birds and hostile toys is up your alley, sure! I didn’t know you were an artist. Nice to know.
Oh, I’m not! It sounded like such a cool project. You can tell that I spend all my time with ten year olds. They’d LOVE those books!
Do they climb in your bed at night? Tell them that at night a monster comes into your bed and pretends to be you. It works on my little brother.
This is a recipe for a best-selling series — for parents!
They would certainly get more entertainment out of it. The consequences of scaring the crap out of my kids surely wouldn’t be worth it.
I thnk that safety and security are overrated in childhood-
There are plenty of books out there that don’t give kids the warm fuzzies. They start off with parents who died in fires. My son would never let me read those to him. Of course, those are chapter books. Maybe these are the picture books that lead into them.
You. Are. Brilliant. My favorite is about the boy who won’t go to sleep and has to do chores all night. I will definitely buy that one for my kid! Momaste to you!
Fabulous!!! Write them and I will read them to all kids who visit my house Lol… A lot of kids visit my house 😉
They will go home so well-behaved, parents will think you are Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle.
Just awesome! I love the one about the kid getting his finger stuck in his nose and the one where the toys take their owner hostage. I never managed to train my middle boy to clean up. He’ll do it when he’s told now but never until then. Now that he’s a teenager, it’s not toys that litter his room. He has a hamper and a trash can which are generally empty at the end of the week because the stuff that’s supposed to be in them is spread all over the floor along with pencils and guitar picks. (He has several hundred of both but can never find one when he needs it. Go figure.) And if I don’t check every day, the topside of every piece of furniture will be crowded with dirty dishes. The other day, I blew a gasket at him because he left a bowl of old cereal milk sitting on top of his laptop. Love the book ideas!
Can’t wait for that phase! I tell myself I’ll just close my son’s door then, but I know the truth. 😉 Honestly, I knew girls who were much worse though!
Please, please write these books. Please!
I’ll write them if someone will publish. 😉
Can I illustrate? 😀
You write them, I will buy them! I’m always looking for books to help teach, I mean guide 😛 my 3 year old to making good choices!
I am tempted. I can see the nasty critics’ comments now. 😉
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I got my little sister to look under my bed before I went to bed for YEARS. 🙂
Someone in my house did it too, but I’m not naming names. 😉
Haha! Loved this. Yes, I especially agree with the stomping fit thrower and toys taking over.
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